The Craziness That is Me...Megan

Frequently moving perfectionist often driven to Crazyville by moving, motherhood, and...myself. Lover of music, homemade things, and Oklahoma.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Back to the Prairie

We are headed back to the prairie this week y'all and we are counting down the minutes!

Back to see family.  Back to see friends.  Back to Oklahoma!

We have big plans for the next few days big plans! 

We are going to take Q-Tip out to the farm and ride tractors and see cows and donkey's and play in the's gonna be great!  She is gonna love it! 

So...that being said...the next few days I'm gonna be in and out.  You may not hear from me quite as often but I hope to have time to blog in the evenings after Q-Tip goes to bed.  At least that's the plan anyway. 

But you know how plans go sometimes...out the window with the dish water.  So cross your fingers.

Well...I'm off.  Off to pack and plan and plan and pack and try to fit the kitchen sink into the luggage.  Cause you know I'm a planner and a packer and I like to be prepared for whatever may come our way.  So ta ta my friends until we meet again! 

I will miss you forever,

Monday, July 26, 2010

I Take It Back...Mostly

Do y'all remember the day that I said...sometimes I wish I were Amish

I take it back.  I take it all back.

We had a little storm blow through yesterday afternoon about 4 o'clock.  It got dark really quick and when Farm Boy and I looked out the window we thought we were in the midst of some tornadic activity.  There were leaves blowing all over the place which to us...being from Oklahoma...resembles debris.  Which in turn...made us want to start screaming....DEBRI...WE'VE GOT DEBRIS!!!  (name that movie)

We turned on the news and it was just some high winds so we calmed down and went back to what we were doing.  Which was watching Season 1 of Friday Night Lights. 

We got Netflix remember...that's gonna be a whole other post's worth me. 

Anyway...we were watching Friday Night Lights and then...HELLS BELLS...we lost power.  We sat there for about a minute and it popped back on.  We got Friday Night Lights going again and HELLLLLS BELLLLLS we lost it again!! 

And this didn't come back.  Not until 6 AM in the blessed morning did it come back. 

And I'm telling you all of this so that you understand what having no power in this house means.  It means no air conditioning.  And no air conditioning in this house means the upstairs is hotter than Hades.  Which means no sleeping will be done by any part of this family upstairs.  Especially the toddler. 

We...ALL THREE OF US...ended up sleeping in the living room. 

Q-Tip in her pack-n-play, Farm Boy on the big couch, and me on the love seat. 

We started Q-Tip out in her room with her bedroom door open and against my better judgment because of THIS little nothing but a diaper.  But thank the good Lord we didn't have to cross that bridge again.  However...she woke up hot and crying so we decided to set up her pack-n-play and put her in the living room.  Well she was all excited about the change in routine and was in no mood to go back to sleep.  But it was night night time and it is not negotiable in this house.  So after she realized we weren't going to take her out of her pack-n-play...she started playing and singing to herself and begging for a drink of water and singing more songs and begging for another drink of water and pretending she was a bucking bronc kicking her back legs up and then begging for ANOTHER drink of water and then begging mommy to sing songs and then ANOTHER drink of water and then FINALLY...around 2:30 in the AM...went back to sleep. 

At this point...mommy was just a teensy weensy bit fussy. 

SO when Farm Boy started leveling a rain forest on the couch beside me...just as Q-Tip was getting quiet.  It was almost more than I could bear. 

I had to wake him up and tell him to ROLL OVER.  He did...and got quieter...and I FINALLY fell asleep.  Only to be awakened around 6:30 this morning to Farm Boy tapping my leg.  He told me the power was on and we debated about moving Q-Tip to her room.  It's much darker in there so we knew she would sleep longer but taking a chance waking her up moving her was scary too. 

We took the chance and moved her and ended up getting another hour and a half of sleep.  Thank the good Lord!! 

Needless to say...I am exhausted and cranky today.  Farm Boy is too pooped to peep.  And Q-Tip is worn out and fussy.  It's like a Greek wedding on steroids around here...but NOT. is more than safe to say that I can not live without electricity and apparently that is one of the prerequisites to being Amish...therefore...I can not be Amish. 

But they are some really cool people.

I will love electricity forever,

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Collection of Thoughts

Hi.  My name is Megan...and I am addicted to Twilight. 

Just kidding...but not really.

1. Farm Boy gave me crap last night saying I was going to go through withdrawals because I didn't have the next Twilight book to read.  I knew he would do that so I mentally prepared myself to show him how completely wrong he was.

2. I totally went through withdrawals last night because I didn't have a Twilight book to read.  I seriously considered starting the first book again or going to Borders and paying $20 for Breaking Dawn. I suffered through with nothing.  But of course I pretended all was well.

3. I went to Marshall's today and happened to see The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella on the shelf.  I bought it.  I couldn't help myself.  What have I become?

4. Did you know that you can get a replica set of the jewelry that Bella Swan wears in New Moon? can get a replica of the engagement ring that Edward gives Bella in Eclipse.  Which from the looks of it doesn't look much like the description in the book.  Of course I wouldn't buy them but it is interesting the lengths people will go to and the things that companies market. I do have to admit though...the jewelry from New Moon is kind of cute.

5. Enough about Twilight.

6. We are going to Oklahoma next week for family reunions.  I can't wait to get there and see some wide open spaces and familiar faces!

7. I am putting off doing laundry until its closer to packing time.  I really, really, really don't want to do laundry twice between now and then but I'm afraid it's inevitable. I dug a pair of jean capris out of the laundry basket today and sprayed Downey wrinkle releaser on them.  Shhh...don't tell anyone.

8. Q-Tip's had a cold for about a week now.  It's caught up with Farm Boy and is giving him a run for his money.  I feel like a sitting duck.

9. Whenever Q-Tip gets sick and starts feeling better...she always seems to have progressed by leaps and bounds.  Her speech progresses, she says more words, she sings more songs we didn't know she knew.  It's kind of weird.  A good weird...but weird.

10. We joined Netflix people.  I didn't think we ever would...not sure why.  Just didn't pay much attention to it.  How in the world we lived with out it I do not know.  It is AHHH-mazing!  So amazing that I may have to write a whole post about how amazing it is.  Stop what you are doing now and sign up for their free trial membership.  It's worth it...totally worth it!

I'm off to catch up on some blog reading...I mean start laundry.  Yea...laundry...I'm going to do laundry.  Seriously...laundry.

Recovering Twilight Addict,

Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Most Recent Trip To Crazyville

As I stated yesterday...I've been in Crazyville for a few days.  I am doing much better today but still a little on edge.  Probably due to the fact that I have a million things to do in the next 7 days.  But...I thought I would share with you what helped me endure this most recent trip to the dark alleys of Crazyville.

I pretended I was vampire.

Just kidding...but not really.

Twilight was Twilight.  Well...I guess you could say it was the first 3 books in the saga.  Yes...all 3.

My friend Amanda and I had a nice little chat on Skype last week and while we talked about the recent events I could see the worry in her eyes.  And then she asked...have you read Twilight yet?  I told her no...I had been holding off because I knew I would become obsessed. 

Y'all...I have absolutely no defenses when it comes to a good love story.  I might as well be there right in the midst of it breathing the same fictional air as the fictional people in the fictional story.  It can be quite ridiculous at times and Farm Boy gives me 9 kinds of hell about it.  And I much as everyone raved about the books...he would never let me live it down as I sat crying over which one Bella would choose...Edward or Jacob.

But she said...YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THESE BOOKS.  Everyone woman needs a little Cullen in her life. 

And I thought to myself...self...maybe it is just the distraction you need at the moment...but didn't go much further with it.  We happened to be going to Sam's the next day and there it was...for $7.04.  How could I resist $7.04?  I couldn't...I threw it in the cart.  Farm Boy rolled his eyes of course.  I didn't care...much.

I took it home and resisted it a few more days until Farm Boy and I sat watching TV one evening after Q-Tip had gone to bed.  There wasn't much I picked it up.  And...2 days later...I was at the library checking out New Moon.  And...2 days after that...I was at the library looking for Eclipse.  And THAT'S when I almost hyperventilated right there in the middle of the stinkin library. 


So like the Twilight crack head that I had become...I drove to's the closest store to the library...and bought Eclipse for $9.87.  And...3 days later...which brings us to this morning...I sat crying...picturing Jacob running away into the forest on two legs and then leaping beyond the tree line and landing on all four paws as a wolf...heart broken.

Shhh...don't tell Farm Boy I was crying...the teasing will never cease. the planner I am...I called the library this morning to have them put my name on Breaking Dawn so no one would steal it away until I got there.  They were out.  Terror came across my face.  I asked them if any of the other branches in our county had it.  They didn't.  Panic...started to run through my veins.  And at that very moment...I was never so glad I had called ahead of time so that I could hyperventilate at home in privacy.

She told me between all the branches they had several copies and no one was on the waiting list so it shouldn't take long to get one in and to the branch close to my house.  She either understands my plight or could sense the urgency in my voice.  I'm thankful either way.

So...until I get my hands on a copy of Breaking Dawn...I'll be in the dark...wondering.

What happens to Jacob?  Does he ever get over Bella and find his mate?

Does Bella go through with the wedding?  Does she turn into a vampire?  I heard she has a the heck does THAT work since Edward is a vampire?  Does she ever see her family again? 

Does the Vultori come back for Bella?

I'm not sure I can bear the torment!! 

Waiting in Agony,

P.S.  No...I can't go buy Breaking Dawn.  It's not out in paper back yet and my copies of Twilight and Eclipse are paper back.  Then the set wouldn't match.  And if I bought all of them in hardback what would I do with my two paper backs?  I would have to give them away or sell them.  And who wants only two books in the series?  Even for free.  Probably no one.  It's a torturous predicament I tell you!

P.P.S  I'm a little concerned that I will never be able to read another series of books again with the same urgency or passion for reading.  I love Twilight!!  But has it ruined me for reading?  Or will I simply have to read them over and over and over again for the rest of my days?  Maybe I should invest in the hardbacks.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Lots of Prayers and One Murmur-Be-Gone Dance

Thanks to many prayers and one Murmur-Be-Gone dance...Q-Tip is as healthy as a horse! 

She had her appointment with the cardiologist this morning and after an EKG and an ultrasound of her heart he gave her a smiley face sticker and sent us on our way.

He said the EKG looked great and her ultrasound looked great as well.  He also said it's a soft murmur and isn't really something that needs to be monitored and that if it is still being heard in 2-3 years then he might need to take another look (not that we will live here that long) at her but otherwise she is fine. Thank you Lord!!

And I'm pretty sure that since he said those words I have exhaled deeply about 4,523 times. 

Over the past month I have tried really hard not to stew and worry over this.  I thought I was doing a fairly decent job of it.  But apparently...anxiety got the best of me because I started crumbling a few days ago. 

It felt like the least little thing was more than I could handle.  So needless to say...I've been in survival mode for a few days. 

Translation: I've been in Crazyville. 

Translation #2:  The house cleaning and the laundry did not get done this weekend.  If a meteorologist came to the house he would swear the damage was done by an F5 tornado. 

And...I've got one week to get ready for a trip to Oklahoma.

No rest for the anxiety ridden. baby is healthy so who the hell cares about the house right?!  RIGHT!


I love you all,


P.S.  This is the text I got from my friend Pam today after I had told her the news.

Hooray!!! I did my murmur-be-gone dance this morning before I went to work! I'm glad it did the trick! My back is a little sore from my special moves...but it was totally worth it!!! LYMI

And this is the text I got from my friend Lyn...

God is good! Now you can work on you a little. Love you!

Now I ask you...what in the world would life be like with out friends?!  I shudder to think of it!

And these are just two examples of all the well wishes and kind words that we have gotten through this little ordeal. 

There aren't adequate words to express the gratitude...but thank you all very much!

Friday, July 16, 2010

A Bad Case of the Drama

Because it's Friday...and I'm at a loss for words...I thought I would share a video with you. 

It was taken in November of last year right after Q-Tip's first birthday.  She had just finished eating her breakfast and decided to play one of her favorite games with her mom. 

It's fraught with drama...beware! 

Happy Friday everyone!! 

 I hope you have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Valley of the Shadow of Teething

Good news my friends...good news. 

Q-Tip's blood tests came back normal.  No hypoglycemia.  I am glad and relieved that there isn't anything wrong there but a little perplexed about her symptoms. 

We plan on talking to the Cardiologist about all of this next week when the heart murmur situation is addressed.

All of this leaves me to wonder if her lips turning blue and the shakiness are completely different problems which are not related to her absolute meltdown behavior lately. 

I assumed that the meltdowns were a result of her being in pain or not feeling right.  But maybe it's nothing...aside from teething that is.  Because we know she is definitely in the midst of that right now. 

We haven't really had too many behavioral issues with ever.  Even while teething.  Aside from being a little more whiny and chewing her fingers to nubs.  But I'm beginning to wonder if that is a thing of the past.  Which if that is the case...part of me feels like maybe I need to give her a little bit of a break, and when she is melting down and asking to be held and rocked to give her that.  But then I worry that she is just being demanding and wanting her way at every single turn lately.  And if that is the case...Katie Bar the Door!  We're gonna be havin us a little "come to Jesus" meeting.

But I feel so unsure.  So torn about the situation.

Has my child become possessed by some evil little toddler hood goblin? 

Or are we simply walking through the valley of the shadow of teething?

And if we are...should I cut her some slack or bring down the wrath of mommy?


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

So That You Can Fully Understand Me

I was really hoping I would have heard from the doctor by now with the results of Q-Tip's blood tests this morning.  I'm sorry I haven't and have no news to share. 

So...because I have nothing to share on that subject and anything else seems trivial...I have to share this song with you.  Mainly because it is sooo me.  And its sooo some of my friends.  You know who you are...not mentioning any names...Pam. 

I'll spare others the name mentioning...not that I mentioned any.

Once again I will direct your attention to Miranda Lambert folks.  She's a gem.  A gem I tell you...a bright shiny spot in the midst of anxiety and drama...and so is her music!  She had a hand in writing this one along with Travis Howard and Ashley Monroe.  So without further ado...and because I love it...because it's totally me and there isn't much more to add to ya go!

Heart Like Mine
Miranda Lambert / Travis Howard / Ashley Monroe

I ain’t the kind you take home to mama
I ain’t the kind to wear no ring
Somehow I always get stronger
When I’m on my second drink

Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
Christian folks say I should quit it
I just smile and say “God bless”

'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we’d get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo
Said he’d love me anyway
My brother got the brains of the family
So I thought I’d learn to sing

‘Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we’d get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

I’ll fly away
From it all one day
I’ll fly away

These are the days that I will remember
When my name’s called on the roll
He’ll meet me with two long-stemmed glasses
Make a toast to me coming home

‘Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
And I bet we’d get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He’d understand a heart like mine

Oh, yes He would

Ahhh...I just love it.

Dad if you're reading this...don't read the next paragraph.  LOVE YOU!

For the record...I do not have a tattoo at this time.  Although I retain my right to get one when/if I feel it necessary.  But shhhh...don't tell my dad!

Okay can continue on. 

Now...if your tired of the music sharing...tuff.  I love it and I need to share it!  And it's my blog and I can do that. 

Seriously is a big part of my life as I have mentioned before.  And sometimes when things seem the craziest and I am in a dark alley in Crazyville...some good music is all I need to help me catch a train outta there! 

Here's a pic of me and Pam in Nashville, Tennessee Music City USA. 

Me, Pam, and another friend of ours Anna went for Fan Fair one year and dare I say...we had more fun than I fear is legal.  It was a LARGE weekend and I shall never forget it but pray forevermore to re-live it!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I'm Tired of Making Decisions

I decided yesterday that I am tired of making decisions. 

I'm completely exhausted from it.

I know that sounds ridiculous but it is what it is and I feel what I feel people.

The decisions that I am mostly tired of making are of the mom related sort.  Ya know like...her lips are turning blue.  Is that serious?  Or is it some fluke thing?  Should I call the doctor? Should I blow it off?  Should I just keep an eye on her for a little bit or do something now?

Or how bout...she's been screaming for an hour over story time being over.  That is completely not normal for her.  Is she sick?  Is it teething?  Should I give her Motrin?  Is she in pain somewhere?  Should I be hardcore and put her in her bed with nothing?  Should I give her what she is asking for...a blanket, paci, and "mama rock a minute"? 

These decisions all seem so monumental to me.  I don't want to blow off something that could be significant.  But I don't want to overreact either.  I don't want to give in to a tantrum...if that's what it is...and give her what she wants therefore creating a monster.  But I'm not sure it is a tantrum and maybe she needs a little help to calm down because this behavior is totally not like her to begin with. 

Something feels off but what the heck is it?

Motherhood is the hardest job I've ever had in my life. is wonderful at times.  Like when she hugs me and kisses me and wants me to hold her.  Or when she sings a new song that she has learned.  Or she starts doing something new that I taught her. 

But at other times it scares the dookie out of me.  I'm so, so scared I'm going to make the wrong decision.  Or miss something very important. 

All of my friends and family tell me that I am a good mom and I believe them.  But sometimes I'm just flat worn out from it.  Emotionally, physically, and mentally.


P.S.  I'm sure that part of this all stems from finding out about her heart murmur and the recent 911 episode and then yesterday morning she acted a little weird on me again.  I called the doctor and tomorrow morning we are going for some blood work.  The doctor said it could possibly be a blood sugar thing but is usually rare with toddlers.  We'll see what happens I guess. 

Monday, July 12, 2010

How It Came To Be...My Farmer Boy and Me - Part 2

Continued from here....

I couldn't help but be a bit flabbergasted that he had actually called.

Could it be? A nice guy? For real?

And as miracles never cease...he called again a couple days later and asked me out on a date. A real date...dinner and a movie.

Dinner...Olive Garden. The movie...Signs!'s a perfect first date movie. There is plenty of opportunity to jump into your dates lap for protection…which is what I did…even though at the time it was completely unintentional. I was scared to death. I just knew a big, green alien was under my seat just waiting for the chance to grab my ankles, pull me under, and start making me inhale its poisonous smoke! And I…by golley was not gonna fall for that trick! his lap I went!

After the movie he took me home. I didn’t want the night to end. It seemed as though I felt more comfortable being me with him than I ever had in my life. I couldn’t understand how that could be…I barely knew him. As we were saying goodbye…he kissed me and it was unlike any kiss I ever had. It was slow, but strong…powerful, but gentle…and he was as sure of himself as anyone I had ever known. And then away he went...back to the farm.

Over the next few weeks there seemed to be a tiny bit of a pattern to his calls. If I remember correctly it went something like this...

No Call
No Call
No Call
No Call

This went on for a couple of weeks. Then it went to something like this...

No Call
No Call

And then after about a week of that it went to something like this...


And through those phone calls…he became my best friend, my hero, my Farmer Boy.

He was still going to college at Oklahoma State in Stillwater and I was working in Oklahoma City at the time. We were about an hour apart so we mainly only saw each other on the weekends. But we had more fun on those weekends in Stillwater than any two people should ever be allowed! We quickly discovered that we had lots in common and that one of our favorite things in life was music. Of the live nature mostly. We were at a concert almost every weekend.

But the best part of the whole thing friends quickly became his friends. And his friends quickly became mine. We all hung out together and as a result there were many memories made. Maybe one day I'll get in to some of those stories...but the names will be changed to protect the innocent of course.

Our lives went on together one fun weekend after another until he graduated and was offered a job.

A job in North Carolina...

To Be Continued...

Friday, July 9, 2010

Trying to Right a Wrong

I grew up with a very special person in my life.  He was a little bit different than your average little boy.  He preferred wearing my clothes as opposed to his and sometimes put a dish towel on this head to pretend he had long hair.  And when we were little I didn't know the difference...we were buddies.

But as we both got older his differences sometimes confused and even scared me a little.  I grew up being taught that some kinds of differences were "bad" and even "sinful". So when he wanted to use perfumed lotions and sample some of his mom's make-up...I freaked.  I didn't know what else to do.

I don't know if in the last 5-10 years I've grown up...or maybe the love that Farm Boy and a few of my close friends have given me has changed my life more than I realize.  Or maybe I have a better understand of what God is all about...but I'm not so freaked out by differences anymore.  I'm not so freaked out about what is "right" or "wrong".  All that I know and feel is that God is love...pure, unconditional love.  And it doesn't matter to me how you choose to live your life...what matters is that I let God's love shine through me.  It is not up to me to be judge and jury of anything or anyone.  I just have to do my best to live and love the best way that I feel I should.

It isn't always easy for me.  Sometimes I still have moments where I struggle.  But I'm a work in every other human I suppose. 

And as for my special person...I don't get to see him or talk to him near enough but I love him and miss him and hope that one day the friendship that we had growing up can be what it was back then, again.  Sometimes I fear that my "freak outs" hurt him more deeply than can be fully repaired.  I pray that someday he can trust me and be able to talk to me the way he used to when we were kids.  I don't know that it will ever happen and if it doesn't...I pray he has someone that has that place in his life.

I know that my childhood wouldn't have been the same without him and I love him for that...just the way he is!

P.S.  This wasn't meant to be a sermon or anything like that.  Just some thoughts and feelings I needed to get off my chest.  I woke up thinking of him this morning and this just came spilling out. 

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Trouble With Family Pictures

I'm sure that you are well aware by now that I have certain feelings about the importance of certain things that others may not feel so important.  Such as...finger prints on my new dishwasher or matching light switches. Tendencies that Farm Boy lovingly refers to as...OCD.  For those of you not familiar with this acronym...Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I...of course say poppycock to those accusations. 

However...I will admit that there are certain things in life that are of the utmost importance and can not be done half heartedly.  One of them being...coordinated outfits for family pictures.

This tiny little thing causes me a tiny bit of anxiety.  Or a really depends on the day.

I have 25 days to gather up 3 coordinating...but not too matchy, matchy mind you...outfits to have our family pictures made. 

We haven't done this since...well...dare I admit...Q-Tip was a week old.  And here we are...what seems like yesterday.

(I see pictures of her when she was newborn and it almost takes my breath away.)

I opted for the classic black in these pictures because I wanted it to be all about her.  But this time...I know I don't want to do black but I am at a loss as to what I do want.  

Ohhh the choices!! 

And what really gets me riled is that I know 23 days is going to be gone in the blink of an eye and leave me scrambling to throw things together 2 days before.  

So therefore...this weekend I must shop! 

As much as it pains much as I dread it...I must bite the bullet and shop my friends! 

I'm sure it won't be as horrific as I make it out to be...but shhh...don't tell Farm Boy!

P.S.  Here's a picture of Q-Tip and Farm Boy before church Sunday morning.  They coordinated very well!  Sadly...I don't have anything that matches their little ensemble and I'm not sure that I want to go with an Independence Day theme. the mall we go!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Must Have Baby Stuff - Part 1 - The Magical Seahorse

Listen up people...I'm going to tell you something very, very important!

If you have a baby...

Are getting ready to have a baby...

Or know someone who has a baby....

Immediately following the reading of this post you must go buy this...

You will thank me for all eternity! 

Or your friends will thank you for all eternity!

This is the Magical Seahorse folks and I kid you has magical powers.  It can soothe the most upset, cranky, and even starving to death baby with the softest and most beautiful music you've ever heard.

We went through the first set of batteries in two weeks after we brought Q-Tip home.  And God love the thing it never failed us.  We would turn it on and we were graced with almost immediate silence.  It was nothing short of a miracle.

After we figured out that our poor child was hungry and not just colicky or what have you...we didn't go through the batteries quite so quickly but the never failing seahorse still got plenty of use.  After we fixed the hunger problem we moved right on in to the milk/soy protein intolerance problem and went from there into the reflux problem. 

Following the Prevacid, the formula laced with 14 kt gold (it was a tiny bit pricey), and finally filling up her little tummy the magical seahorse has STILL been a favorite with Q-Tip.  So much so that we now have a seahorse in the car AND in the crib and sometimes it's just what she needs to calm down a little and drift off to dream land.

So...moral of the story...the thing has magical powers.  Trust me me!

Get'll thank me later!

P.S.  I've said it before and I'll say it again...THANK YOU PAM AND ANNA! 

I will love you forever!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


What in the crap are "expectations" really?

And whose "expectations" really matter?

I find myself day in and day out thinking that I SHOULD do this or I SHOULD do that.

When really...aren't those just crummy expectations that I am trying to live up to? 

Who put them there? 

Why do I think that THAT is the way things SHOULD be when I feel something completely different?

And what about that dang "should" word anyway? 

Who the hell made THOSE rules?  And why the crap do I feel the need to live by them? 

And just because I am now realizing that all the "expectations" and "shoulds" are doesn't make it a whole lot easier to bat them away from my mind like a pesky fly.  It's hard...really hard. 

Time and time again I go back to...But I SHOULD blah, blah, blah. 


Who said so? 

I don't's just the way it SHOULD be.

It's a cycle...a vicious freakin cycle!

And what it all boils down to is you have the guts to stop the cycle?  To stand up and's not the way I want things to be?  That's not what I think is best for my child?  I want better for her...more for her...different for her.  No matter what the cost?

Sometimes I don't know if I have the guts.  Sometimes I'm scared to try and have the guts.  Sometimes I fear what having the guts might cause.

But...she has been entrusted to me, she is my responsibility and I have to do the very best that I can do for her...regardless of how difficult it may be.

Sore muscles, aching back, hurt feelings...I'm the mommy and it's my job. 

But I have to say...these things in my life that I am working to change have got to be the biggest mountains I've ever had to climb.

Thankfully I have my Farmer Boy behind me backing me up.

P.S.  Apparently I am one tormented soul tonight.  Good grief...someone...get me an adult beverage stat! 

Tomorrow I'll throw some really deep home improvement projects or must have baby items at ya!  Whew...that's gonna be one bumpy ride!

Friday, July 2, 2010

It's a Love/Hate Relationship

I gotta be quick tonight. 

Farm Boy's waiting on me and we're gonna watch a movie.  Crazy Heart to be exact and I'm excited. 

So today was the day...I went to the doc and she gave "the girls" a little look see. 

I do have to say that me and the ol' mammogram machine have a love/hate relationship.  I love the good news it gives but I hate the process in which it has to give it. 

All is well with "the girls" thank the good Lord above.  And the doctor gave me a little more guidance on what is good and what is bad so I feel a little more equipped to determine the difference now. 

On to other events of the day.

We took Q-Tip to the Baltimore Aquarium today.  She loved it.  L-O-V-E-D it. 

Me being the mom of the year that I am...forgot my freakin camera.  Wouldn't ya know it.  And I am convinced that if I had one of those fancy schmancy cameras I wouldn't have forgot it and I KNOW that if I had a cutsie schmootsie strap to go on my fancy schmancy camera I definitely wouldn't have forgot it.

Anywho...the aquarium was great and we had a really good time.  Q-Tip pooped out on us at the end but we bought a membership so we can go back whenever we want. 

Maybe next time I'll have a good camera. 

Lordy be...I hear the blender in the kitchen.  I bet Farm Boy is whippin up something significantly significant!  I gotta go! 

Happy 4th of July everyone and thank you for all the prayers and support this week.  It's been a doosy that I don't care to repeat. 

Bless you all!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I'll Have an Order of "Get Me The Heck Outta Here" With a Side of "Fun" Please!

I'm not really sure where to begin with the summary of the past week and a half at my house.

So we all know that last Tuesday Q-Tip was diagnosed with a heart murmur right?  Right.

Well...apparently my mental and emotional health is being tested this week in more ways than one.  So much so that finding words to explain where I'm at or how I feel have darn near escaped my very being.

Yesterday morning I went in to wake Q-Tip up for breakfast.  I noticed almost right away that she wasn't her happy self and was much more reserved than normal but didn't really think much of it.  I also noticed that she was shaking...really just shivering I guess.  Her arms and legs were very cold. 

We went downstairs and I started her breakfast and noticed that she didn't ask for O's (cheerios) or her milk as she normally does but sat there in her high chair and waited.  After I gave her a few O's and her milk she ate them and drank her milk while I fixed her "cereal" (yogurt and applesauce). She continued to shiver the whole time she ate and never really snapped out of her quietness.  She was so noticeably different that I called Farm Boy and told him.  I'm not sure what I thought he could do but I just felt like I needed to tell him.  We both blamed it on teething and I went about fixing my breakfast. 

After I fixed my breakfast and sat down to eat I noticed that my baby girl's lips were completely purplish/blue.  Dark purplish/blue.  I immediately looked at her finger nails.  They also had purple spots under them.  I checked her breathing which was completely normal.  She was still shivering and she had goosebumps on her legs that wouldn't go away.  She didn't have a fever.  I called the doctor.

The doctor wasn't in but a nurse practitioner was on her way there and was supposed to be arriving in the next few minutes.  When she called back she felt that with her symptoms she needed to be checked out as soon as possible and suggested I call the paramedics.  In other words...911.  So I did.  And then I called Farm Boy and told him that paramedics were on the way and he needed to start heading towards home.

The paramedics came and checked her vitals and everything was normal.  Everything.  Her pulse oxygen level...which is what I was worried about...was 97%...normal.  However her lips were still blue.  The blueness would move up to her nose and down her chin at times and then go back to normal but her lips stayed blue.  The paramedics saw it and were concerned.  Concerned enough they felt we needed to have her checked out at the ER.  So we headed to the ER in the back of an ambulance. 

Just so ya know...calling 911 and going to the ER via ambulance were no where in the plan of our day.

Farm Boy met us at the hospital just in time for the doctor to tell us that nothing added up.  It seems Q-Tip didn't have enough of any particular symptom to narrow in on a diagnosis.  Believe me...I consider our little family to be truly blessed by not finding anything wrong. leaves a tiny bit of an unsettled feeling when you're not sure what caused it nor how to prevent it from EVER HAPPENING AGAIN! 

We left the hospital and she was still quiet.  It wasn't until after lunch that she started to perk up a little.  After lunch we went home and took naps.  When she woke up from her nap she was pretty much 100%.  I went to bed last night dreading the morning and what it could bring.  But much to my delight it brought Q-Tip at 110% and going strong.  Which is where she has been all day.  Thank the good Lord! 

I talked with my friend Pam last night and Q-Tip's doctor today and they both seem to think that it was possibly a blood flow issue and that maybe her blood just wasn't circulating like it was supposed to be.  If she does it again I'm supposed to take a picture of her lips and get her moving a little and see if it goes away on its own. 

If not...we'll be calling our buddies to come pick us up in their shiny ride and head back to the ER where Q-Tip will be turned inside out so mommy can keep what shred of sanity she has left.

So...that all being I can tell you about today.


The following portion of this post pertains to my breasts. 
If you don't want to hear about my breasts I
suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this post,
leave a comment and be on your merry way. 
Thank you and have a blessed day.

I've been keeping my eye...or hand I guess you would say...on a particular area of one of my breasts for the last few weeks.  I'm aware that at times your breast tissue can feel a little differently than others so I didn't want to get too concerned with a little bump that I found.  I tend to be a little on the bumpy side anyway but this one felt a little bigger and a little harder than normal. 

I decided that I needed to see a doctor and let them feel me up and make the decision on whether it was normal or not.  Today was the day.  My appointment was at 3:15. 

And the result of my appointment today...I have a mammogram scheduled for 9 AM tomorrow. 

Just so you know...this was the first isn't an emergency or anything like that.  The doctor doesn't feel overly concerned but wants to rule anything negative out.  

Which seems to be the story of our lives lately....

"I'm sure it's nothing but let's go ahead and see a specialist to make sure."

I'm tired...emotionally and mentally.  

I'm feeling sort of trapped for some reason...can't really explain that one. 

And I really just want us to get the hell out of here.  For awhile.  A good long while.

So...say a prayer for my mental health if you have a's what I'm most worried about right now.

Thank you!