The Craziness That is Me...Megan

Frequently moving perfectionist often driven to Crazyville by moving, motherhood, and...myself. Lover of music, homemade things, and Oklahoma.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Why Can't I Be Like That?

I don't know about y'all...but I have a serious problem accepting me the way I am.  I can't just say...it's okay...I'm me and its okay.

I am all the time hitting myself over the head with things like...

Why can't I be one of those mom's that pops the kid out and is back in their size 4's?  Even after their 3rd kid!  I'm gonna have to work my ass off...literally...to get into my fat jeans from BEFORE I got pregnant.  Not even my normal jeans that I love and miss so dearly.

Why can't I be one of those mom's that pops the kid out and goes shopping at the mall the next week?  Let's just say the first SIX...count em...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 weeks of being a mommy are a total fog in my mind.  I had breastfeeding issues and all but still...I could barely hold my head up!

Why can't I be one of those mom's that has 3 kids and even a semi-clean house?  Even after 17 months...I can hardly keep the laundry pile from becoming Mt. Everest much less get it all put away.  And we won't even mention the dust that is so devilishly piling up on my furniture.

And how bout the mom's that do all of that...clean, take care of kids, go shopping at the mall regularly...looking like a million bucks?!  People...the only time I don't have a ball cap on and only half my make-up done is when we are going to church.  Well that is almost the only time.  Sometimes I get fixed up to go to places like MOPS but that is only once a month.  Farm Boy says he doesn't care.  He's not really into the details.  But ya know...sometimes I care.  I wish I had the energy and unlimited hours in the day to fix myself up and look 100%...all the time.

But above all...I wish I could find the balance of wife, mommy, and me.  I'm such an all or nothing type girl.  I've always given my all to whatever I am doing but for some reason...when I added mommy into the mix...I just can't get it together!  I can't for the life of me keep holding on to ME when I'm being wife and mommy as well. 

But ya know...it really just pisses me off that I can't just be okay with it and say...this is who I am. 

I'm not completely organized.  I run late...sometimes...okay a lot these days.  I'm tired...A LOT.  I didn't feel like shopping or traveling or doing anything for quite a long time after I had Q-Tip.  My body is all sorts of crazy right now.  My house isn't spotless...ever.  And I'm STILL figuring out the whole mommyhood thing.

I know it's probably that perfectionist b-word inside me that makes me feel like I'm never gonna figure it all out much less do it well.  I really hate her! 

She's such a...b-word. 

P.S.  I'm participating in Mama Kat's Writers Workshop today and I chose the prompt...What are you mad at yourself about?  This was #1 on the LIST. 

Mama's Losin' It

10 comments:

  1. I'm sure everyone will tell you the same thing, but since I'm first I get to be your fairy godmother. Let it go as much as you can. Focus on the mom stuff and try to grab a few moment's pleasure for yourself here and there to help you reinvest in the mom stuff. It's the mom stuff you'll be judged for later! And I hear kids can be pretty harsh!

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  2. Thanks Erin! I always choose the mom stuff and just about go crazy from time to time for fear of losing me. It's so freakin hard! Thanks for the reminder I'm doing the right thing. Even though it sucks! :-)

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  3. Thanks for this honest post! I wish I had some advice for you (I was never very good at that).
    But this post was helpful to me! I don't have a child but I also feel this way. Sometimes it helps just to know that we aren't alone with the way that we are feeling. :)

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  4. Over from Mama Kat's...

    I hear you on this. Our laundry is always towering. Our solution? Make sure it doesn't get high enough that the toddler can pull it down on himself and get injured. So we have two baskets.

    And I'm totally cool with that.

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  5. Oh Megan, Megan, Megan...I'd have to say I agree with the first comment. It's not the size of your jeans or the height of your laundry that makes you who you are...you ARE a great mom, great wife and more importantly you have GREAT relationships with Q-tip and Farm Boy and that my dear...is the better than anything.

    (Now I just need to take my own advice!)

    pam-tastic :-)

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  6. Coming over from MK's. Hey, the first step to enjoying mommyhood is realizing you CAN'T do it all and letting go of some of it. Mine- the clean house. I wish I could be a better housekeeper, but it's not going to happen for awhile, and I'm so glad that I have the little dirty footprints on the floor for now! :)

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  7. Thanks for the uplifting words y'all! Really means a lot. It does help to hear that I am not the only one. And it does help to hear that is OKAY.

    It's just hard to BE okay with it.

    I really appreciate y'all though! :-)

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  8. I'm mad at how much time I waste.

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  9. I could have written this post. Except I wouldn't have said "y'all" :o)

    I'm with you all the way - my youngest is 17 months too and I have 3 kids and I feel the exact same way you do.

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  10. Here's the thing (and I now know this after taking the journey you're on, but a more extreme version): fast-forward 10 years, 20 years and predict what kinds of things you will regret if not done right now. Is it make-up or time with your baby? Is it having a clean house or having invested yourself fully in your relationship with your husband? Keep going. Oh, and don't ask how I happen to know about these questions. ;)

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