The Craziness That is Me...Megan

Frequently moving perfectionist often driven to Crazyville by moving, motherhood, and...myself. Lover of music, homemade things, and Oklahoma.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Serious Conversation

We had some serious and not so serious conversation while LP was here.  I loved every minute of it.

The not so serious parts were about old times and old friends that we miss and love.  The crazy things we've done and are yet...still alive!  And...we think we all turned out pretty good in spite of those crazy things.  Congrats to us! 

Some of the serious stuff was about parenting and figuring it all out.  Like methods of discipline and things of that nature.

And about June Cleaver Syndrome and feeling like a failure when things aren't perfect. 

And about how I take parenting so seriously.  Not that it isn't serious.  I think...and others think...I may go a titch overboard with it.  Maybe.  Kinda.  Sorta.

I can't help myself.  I can't help but analyze every decision I make.  Every...teeny...tiny...itty...bitty decision I make. 

I can't help but think things like...

will this cause a future problem...will she feel like I abandoned her...will she be scared...will she be emotionally scarred forever...will she grow up and do drugs when she's 16 because of this...will she start misbehaving...will this cause a pattern...will she get sick from this...

You know...just ordinary stuff.  Right? 

I can't help but feel that I want to be able to look back on my mothering and feel beyond a shadow of doubt that I did the best I could do.  So if she grows up and makes bad decisions...God help me...I will be able to say...I did the best I could do and nothing I did caused this.  Because if there were something...I'm not sure I could ever forgive myself.

And it's not just about the decisions she makes in the future.  It's also about having a well behaved child now.  One that feels secure, loved, and stable. 

I even think about decisions that involve me. Because I feel that even a decision that doesn't directly affect her because it's more about me...will affect her in some way eventually. This is why I worry about keeping a clean house. Eating right. Becoming more active. Keeping my marriage in a good place. Making it a point to be affectionate to one another. And really just in general being a good example in every aspect of the word.

Those are the things that make me over analyze and over think and over-do and have serious anxiety...and go to Crazyville!

And, I can't help but be overly prepared for every scenario imaginable. 

If there is anything in this world that I can not stand...it is not being prepared for something.  Oh...it sends me into orbit in a spit second. 

So...I over think, over pack, over do, over, over, over.

It's the whole Perfectionist thing...I know it is.  I just can't quite figure out how to shut the damn thing off.  Or at least take it down a notch or two.

I'm working on it...but it's really freakin hard!

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