The Craziness That is Me...Megan

Frequently moving perfectionist often driven to Crazyville by moving, motherhood, and...myself. Lover of music, homemade things, and Oklahoma.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I Could Do It...But Could I Do It Effectively?


There is a reason why I go to On The Border and order a beef Chimichanga...ground beef only on the inside and covered in cheese sauce...every single time I go.  I don't like change y'all.  It scares me.  Did you get that?  It SCARES me.  I love On the Border; I don't get to eat there a lot...what if I don't like something new?  It will have been a wasted trip.  So I go with the safe bet...my beef Chimichanga.

What if....

What if....

What if....

There are a million what if's for...what if we have another baby?  I'll try to narrow it down to a few.

1. Q-Tip is so good...I told you I'm a Pansy Ass...what if I get a really hard baby with tons of problems and it sends me to Crazyville never to return?  For real y'all!  It scares me.

2. What if I go in to the hell that is PPD again?  I know, I haven't told my PPD story yet.  Actually it's more like a journey cause I'm not positive I'm even completely over it.  It was awful.  Emotionally, this has been the hardest year of my life.  I'm sure it didn't help matters that we moved to Maryland from Arkansas in the middle of it but still...I don't know what the major cause of it was but I do know it has been horrific for me emotionally and I am scared to live through it again.

3.  I'm in horrible shape!  I SERIOUSLY need to become the Biggest Loser...like in a BIG way.  And I didn't really gain all that much from Q-Tip...I just wasn't in great a shape when I became her little incubator.  So what if I gain astronomical amounts with #2 because I STILL haven't gotten things under control?

4.  Q-Tip started dropping early...like around 28 weeks.  Things started REALLY sucking at that point.  By 34 weeks I was hobbling around because she was on my sciatica nerve.  Oh the pain I was in y'all.  HORRIBLE.  Eventually my entire left thigh went numb and parts are still numb to this day.  I could hardly walk.  And it didn't go away for a LONG time.  I didn't even feel pain from my c-section.  The only pain I had was from my hip.  I hobbled for the longest time.  I REALLY don't want to live through that again. 

5.  What if I'm not as good a mommy to two as I am to one?  This is a BIG one.  Like what if I can't handle two effectively?  What if I start not caring about stuff that matters to me now?  Stuff that I feel is important.  You know what I mean? We've all seen the mom in the grocery store with 4 kids and their faces are all dirty and she looks like she needs an adult beverage...I know you know what I'm talking about.  I always say a prayer for her cause I can't imagine the stress.  But what if I turn in to her?

6.  What if we move again right after #2 comes?  I SERIOUSLY don't know if I could handle that one.  Even though a move closer to home (Oklahoma) would be better.  I would go into the Move Funk with TWO kids....Heaven help me.  That's all I know to say...Heaven help me.

7.  Farm Boy and I are so close.  We are best buddies.  We had a great relationship while we dated, we had a great marriage before Q-Tip, and we have a great marriage after...except now...we actually have to work at it.  We never had to work at it before.  It came so natural for us.  Although, we are doing a pretty good job at it...it's harder.  Now I'm a pansy...I keep saying it...are you listening?  I'm a pansy and what if it gets even harder?

8.  I feel like there is a REALLY skinny balance beam you have to stay on after becoming a mommy.  If you fall off onto one side you lose all sense of self and become nothing but...a mom blob.  If you fall off onto the other side...you are selfish and think about nothing but what makes you happy...leaving your baby to fend for itself.  I struggle to stay balanced on that beam.  I don't have problems with the "the other side" I have problems with the "mom blob" side.  The forgetting completely about myself and any shred of who I am and what makes me happy side.  I hear a lot of mommy's have problems with the "mom blob" side.  I'm sure it leads back to the June Freakin Cleaver thing.  But what if...what if having #2 throws me COMPLETELY onto the "mom blob" side?  

9. My support system in Maryland is...well...WHAT SUPPORT SYSTEM! Aside from my one dear friend RH who has enough on her plate without me calling and "needing" her all the time. I would absolutely hate to send her to Crazyville cause I myself am on the way…ya know? Anyway...all of our family is in Oklahoma. 99% of our friends are in Oklahoma. Aside from a few we have made along the way in North Carolina and Arkansas. I would not complain about moving to Arkansas...not one little smidgen. Sorry friends in North Carolina but I don't know if I could move there...still to far away from Oklahoma. I don't need to be IN Oklahoma...I just need to be within driving distance. But, we are here for a reason and unless a miracle happens...I DO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES BY THE WAY...we are going to be here for awhile. Don't think I'm not praying daily for one...cause Oh the praying I am doing!

So this is pretty much it.  And once again I have poured out my soul to you whether you liked it or not. 

If you didn't like it...so sorry...feel free to complain in the comment section. 

If you did like it...SO GLAD...feel free to tell me so I won't feel guilty about it. 

If you feel the same way...PLEASE tell me!  Maybe we can both find some sanity through it together. 

And if you felt the same way and had #2 anyway...PLEASE...for the love of my future children...TELL ME! 

Tell me it's going okay and there is no need to worry...if that is a lie...then lie dad-gummit! 

Just kidding...but not really.  

3 comments:

  1. I can remember wondering if I could love our second child as much as I loved our first. Of course, I found out I could, did and do. When our first was 8 and second was almost 5, my third pregnancy gave us twins. (We are still married 42 years later).

    Your concerns are normal. Parenthood, not just motherhood, brings many changes. There are many things I could say to reassure you and to encourage you to consider with your reservations. However, I am new to commenting on blogs and am not comfortable with expounding too much!

    If you would like to speak to me privately, I am on Tasty Kitchen as GillLink. You can send me a private message there.

    GillLink

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  2. I just popped over to your blog from Big Mama... And stayed to read when you mentioned On the Border and Dislikes change. Are we distant cousins or something? :-) I do the same thing at restaurants...only I tell my husband that I am a "good orderer," and why get something different when I have already found the best thing on the menu!

    Here's my mama advice: Just hang on for dear life, and enjoy what you can! Early motherhood was HARD HARD HARD for me. The hardest years were year 1 1/2-3. Once they hit 3, I was able to breathe a little easier. My philosophy always has been to do the best I can do during my girls' awake hours, and then to TREAT MYSELF (a good book, time with my husband, and who are we kidding? Some reality t.v.!!!) during naptime and bedtime. (Probably why I STILL stay awake wayyyyy to late at night!)

    Hang in there. Please know you are NOT alone in all of your questions... If we are honest with each other, we ALL question our mothering decisions.

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  3. GillLink...I'm going to look you up! :-)

    MarytheKay...We may be distant cousins...who knows! I totally love the way you think though...I'm just a good orderer for petes sake! :-) I'm guilty of staying up late at night too...it's the only un-interrupted time I get although I sure feel hungover the next morning. I'm trying to get better about not doing it so much!

    Thanks so much for the words of encouragement y'all. It's really helps! :-)

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